It is I, the Terrorizer, Saint Nick’s doppelganger, Krampus!
I know most of you have forgotten me, or just plain don’t know, but I have been terrifying little European children for centuries! While the kindly, old, white-bearded, red-suited “ho-ho-ho” is giving out nice presents to the good little boys and girls, I take great pleasure in doling out punishment to all the baaaad children!
Now they’ll know what a real demon is!
I love my job! There’s no opportunity for advancement and the hours suck, and one of my feet is just not quite right, but the absolute joy I get from seeing abject terror on those sniveling mean and unruly faces when I appear on the eve of St. Nicholas, Krampusnacht, more than compensates for the lack of pay. I swat them with switches and chains before taking them back to my home you all know as “Hell”.
Look, I don’t want to be like this. I’d like to curl up in front of a warm fireplace with someone special, too. But these hell-fires don’t stoke themselves you know!
Hey, kid! Do you think butterflies like having their wings ripped off? Did you really think that dropping that rock on your neighbor’s car “because you were bored” would go unpunished?? Ha! They don’t keep me here because I’m gorgeous, kid!
I gave fair warning last Christmas and it went unheeded. Families sent out postcards telling kids to behave and what would happen if they didn’t, but these kids paid no attention. Why would they? With their XBoxes, and iPhones, and iPads, and iWantEverything iSee. Navel-gazing spoiled brats!
So Nikolo and I became best friends. We watch each other’s backs and we meet for coffee once a week. We even go on vacation together in January (we bought a timeshare, you know). We share all the gossip and he gives me the lowdown on who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. I know who you are!
So whether you know me as Grampus, Klaubauf, or Schmutzli, the old devil’s back again this year, Europe. And I’m gonna be making a special trip to North America too! They’ve had it too good over there for far too long. I hear that those bad kids always get presents…what???
Suit up, Santa Claus! And this time you’re riding shotgun.